Finding Strength in Pain: A Journey of Regret and Hope

As I lay on the floor, unable to move and screams escaping my lips, I confronted a painful truth: I am in deep pain, both physically and emotionally. In that moment, I felt a wave of regrets wash over me—regrets about choices I’ve made along this journey.

I regret taking a job that pulled me away from my family, leaving me feeling like I’ve failed as a mother. I wish I had done more for my son, like getting him on supportive medication sooner. I also feel the weight of my traveling on my marriage, and now I find myself here, immobilized, questioning whether my own selfish actions have led me to this suffering.

Despite my faith, I wonder if perhaps I needed this wake-up call to come back to my family when they needed me most. Yet, I feel so tired and trapped in this pain that I can’t be there for them as I wish I could. Thank goodness for services like Instacart; without them, my family would have no groceries.

In this difficult time, I am grateful for my strong support system at home, which has become my sanctuary. Last night, during an emotional breakdown, my mom lifted me up as she always does. She’s been my rock from the very beginning, always there, ready to help.

When she took me for a drive to see the ocean, Jelly Roll’s song played on the radio: “I know I can't be the only one holding on for dear life, but God knows, I know when it's all said and done I'm not okay, but it's all gonna be alright.”

In that moment, I found a flicker of hope. I may not be okay right now, but I trust that God has a plan, and I hold on to the belief that I will be alright.